Less than 24 hours to go and I still don't have any real plans. I have ideas, places I can go but nowhere I really want to go yet. All of these plans involve me getting wasted (which isn't such a bad thing) but I was kind of hoping for something more. I kind of wanted to be with someone that night. Someone special. Guess that's not going to happen.

I may sound kind of down but I'm kind of excitied.

Really, not much else to say.

I got read the riot act last night by roommates boyfriend. He warned me that his brother had just gotten out of a relationship that had ended in a bad break up and he didn't want me to make things worse. I always thought he liked me but I seriously believe he thinks I want to hurt his brother. I told him I had no intentions of hurting his brother and that I really had no idea where the relationship was going if anywhere.

I called Mark, but he didn't answer his cell phone. Same thing with Phil, if I didn't know better I would think they were trying to avoid me. But it's earlier than I usually talk to them.

Got new panties tonight. Just had to share with the world because they're "fun" panties. However, if I'm ever wearing these when I'm drunk they may be difficult to take off.



I think I scared Phil off. I called him tonight and he tried to get me off the phone as quickly as possible. We talked for about a half hour last night but after five minutes tonight he was ready to get off the phone.

And I realized that this weekend is New Years and I really have nothing to do. Chances are I'm going to the bar Ryan's girlfriend works at because I'll know a lot of people there and I won't have to pay some outrageous cover charge.

I talked to Phil tonight, it was the first time we've talked since the holiday party. Went pretty good but he apologized too much, said he was a little drunk at the time. Which, raised doubts in my mind whether he likes me or not. We're planning on going out one of the nights this week as soon as I catch a breather.

Talked to Mark tonight too (it seems I spent all of the night after work on the phone - it's nice to feel wanted. The conversation was pretty good we're just unsure when we're going to see each other again.

Sorry to keep this so brief but Ryan also called me and I want to call him back before I crash. Which is going to happen soon.

Well, I'm back in town. I hope everyone had a good holiday. I did.

I guess, I should start with the holiday party. I had fun even though I knew no one there besides Phil. Phil got a little too drunk so it was good that I made him let me drive. I knew he would before we even got there but I didn't expect him to make a move on me. Ok, I kind of did in the back of my mind. But anyways, we were waiting for his car to warm up, it was 0 degrees out so it took a while. He leaned forward and kissed me. I didn't exactly reject the kiss but after it I told him, I considered us more friends then anything else. He accepted that but I didn't. While I was laying in bed that night, I kind of came to the conclusion that he's a pretty good guy and I kind of like him.

For Christmas, I went with my roommate to her boyfriend's parent's house. Usually I feel like a third wheel with them, they're such the perfect couple. Driving up to Wisconsin was no different. But once I got their I met her boyfriend's brother, Mark. Very nice. After some eggnog and rum I ended up staying in his bed instead of sleeping on the couch. Christmas Eve we really didn't do much besides kissing and messing around. But before you get your hopes up not much happened last night either. By not much I mean he went down on me. He's a pro in that department. We came very close to having sex. By close I mean he almost entered me. Most of me wanted him but my mind told me that I didn't want to sleep with him just to sleep with him. After I gave him head, we held each other and it did feel perfect.

We made plans for him to come down and visit me sometime. I'm kind of glad I waited. But I so wish I didn't.

That's all the important details. It's been a long weekend so I need to sleep. Feel free to comment on this or any entry and make me feel loved. ;-)

This may be my last entry until after Christmas. I'm leaving Christmas Eve morning, won't be back until Sunday (I think) and I may or may not have access to the internet.

Anyways, back to the normally scheduled program. I'm looking forward to the Christmas party I'm going to tomorrow night. I picked out the dress I'm going to wear, tried it on and discovered it still fits. So I'm excited.

I'm less than excited about the numbers I removed from the phonebook on my cell phone. Most of the numbers belonged to men. Most of them I hoped would lead to a relationship. Some led to relationships the ended in one way or another. I feel like the men are falling in my life and quickly back out of it.

Well, I'm going to another work holiday party this Thursday. This time it isn't my work. It's my friend Phil's. I've only known him for a few months and most of that time he was going out with one of my friends. But even after she broke up with him last month we stayed friends. He's nice guy, one of the good guys but like Ryan I'm not really attracted to him. But he's a great guy to talk to. When things started going bad with his girlfriend he called me to ask for advice. I tried to help out but I saw that she wasn't really interested and tried to hint that he should move on. He didn't get the subtle hints and was really hurt when she dumped him.

I've never been a huge Hello Kitty fan, a little too pink and cute for my tastes. However, I just had to share this. I'm thinking it would be a good present for one of my friends that love Hello Kitty. At first I thought it was kind of odd for them to make a Hello Kitty vibe then I realized all the girls I know that like Hello Kitty are 16 and up.

And by the way I wasn't looking for a vibe. Just happened to come across a link to this when I was surfing other blogs. I swear.

Had a blast again last night. Paid for it today at work and I'm dead right now but it was all worth it. I'm on a roll as far as meeting guys. Ok, well last night I didn't meet a guy but I did run into a guy that used to work in the same mall as me. He was alright looking back then, super cute now. We exhcanged numbers.

And speaking about numbers I just got off the phone from the guy from the other night. I'm not as excited about him as I was then but we still ended up talking for an hour and it seemed like five minutes.

That's my brief update for tonight.

All i have to say is body shots. You might be curious note that it's almost all girls that work with me. We all had a little too much to drink last night at the Christmas party. And we were all happy drunks. The night started quiet but the liqour livened things up. Thought the party was going to be as bad as work but once we started to get buzzed things started happening. Not much else to add. I'm a little too tired to write but if I didn't now it wasn't going to get done today.

Went out last night (what a shock). Had fun and get this I met a halfway deccent guy. He seems smart, knows how to act, is nice, didn't stare at my tits too much and he's cute. I saw him as soon as I walked through the door. He was sitting with his friends at a table. He was smiling when I came in. I don't think he noticed me until later when we were both at the bar waiting to get drinks. He introduced himself and we hit it off pretty quickly. But of course the bartender finally got around to us and interupted our conversation. He disapeared after he got his drink for him and his friends. But I caught him looking at me later. I tried to pretend I didn't see him but a grin appeard on my face by accident. I ran into him again in hallway to the bathroom. We started talking again. This time there was no bartender to interupt us. We ended up at our own table. The conversation was good but I wanted to do more. At one point he ended up with his arm around me. My legs kind of rested on his and I rested my hand on his leg. We did kiss and I think if was younger I would've gone home with him. I wanted to so bad.

He wanted to hang out again tonight but I have work holiday party. I was looking forward to that but now all I want to do is see him again. I don't know where this is going and I don't know what I want from him.

I'm back. Had some problems updating the site. I swear it wasn't my fault.

But anyways. Went out last night with some friends, mainly Ryan and his girlfriend, Amy, but there were a few other people I knew at the bar. The night was fun but kind of odd. Odd because Amy was a little too friendly. After a few too many drinks we were talking and it became clear that she was being so warm to me because Ryan had told her that I was bi. I had told Ryan that with the expectation that he wouldn't tell anyone. I definitely didn't want it to come out at a bar. It annoyed me but I was still polite to Amy. She was pretty curious about what it was like. I told her the best I could but it was really one of the first times I had talked to anyone about the experiences other than the person I was having the experience with.

We're suppose to go out again or have a movie night sometime this weekend. I don't know when. Friday is my work Holiday party and I'm meeting up with some friends and going to the bars in the city Saturday night. I'm kind of putting it off. I really don't want to share my movie night with Amy. And I think she wants to be more than just friends. She's a very nice girl, has a sweet personality and I'll admit I do find her sexy but I don't know if I'm ready to be with a woman again. I had a brief but very sexually satisfying relationship with another woman (who just happened to be a bartender too) a few months ago. It was very hot but she left me broken hearted. If she's looking for a threesome that could spell doom for her relationship with Ryan. I've seen threesomes almost always kill relationships.

Anyways, I'm going out tonight. Going to go look for some men. Who knows maybe I'll get lucky.

Having some problems updating my blog. As soon as I figure out what is going on I'll do a real update.

There was a meteor shower last night. It was at midnight. I was still awake but the temp was negative 4000 degrees. Plus I think the city lights here would've made it impossible to see. And I don't have anyone to share it with tonight so what would the point really be?

But I don't think I'll ever forget the last meteor shower I saw. It was literally one of the most romantic nights of my life. My boyfriend at the time took me for a ride in his car. He didn't tell me where we were going. He drove me out into the middle of nowhere, into the mountains. I joked that he was taking me someplace to kill me. We started on a four lane highway, then a back road with more curves and hills, then a dirt road that led into the mountains. He stopped the car in a clearing. It wasn't until I got out that I could see that we had a view of the entire valley. And it wasn't until he told me to look up that I saw the sky.

He brought out a blanket so we could lay on the ground and a bottle of wine. It was funny because he forgot glasses so we were sipping directly from the bottle. In between watching the meteors we kissed. Of course one thing led to another. Our clothes came off and he went down on me. Everything seemed perfect in the world. I watched the sky as he made love to me (it was literally making love). I realized that he wasn't just another guy I was fucking.

He was special.

I'm kind of emotionally drained so there isn't going to be a long entry tonight. The holiday shopping craziness at work is killing me. Plus the news about Ryan's girlfriend didn't help either. I'm suppose to go out with them on Wednesday night. I'm kind of looking forward to that. I like inflict more pain in myself. Actually, it's kind of a relief knowing that he's off the market, it motivates me to keep looking instead of settling.

Tonight, I'm staying in but last night I went out and found out why Ryan didn't want to have a movie night with me on Friday. He has a girlfriend. I met her last night at the bar. Turns out she's a bartender at one of the bars I go to semi-regularly. I think I've seen her there once before last night. After we were introduced and got past the awkward part of me being the ex and her being the current lover we kind of hit it off. And it didn't hurt that even though she wasn't working she got me free drinks all night long. I think if she wasn't Ryan's girlfriend we could've been good friends. Either way she seems good for Ryan which is the worse part. When I first found out his girlfriend was at the bar, I was hoping I wasn't going to like her. And seeing them together definitely made me jealous. I guess I still do have feelings for Ryan.

I ended up not going out last night. A little too tired to go out for a third night in a row. I called Ryan up to ask him if he wanted to watch a movie. He decline, said he already plans. I think he actually had other plans. Usually we make arangements earlier in the day to watch a movie instead of at ten p.m.

I ended up wasting time online and reading. My friend sent me a sex test. On the Ultimate Purity Test I scored a 50.4% pure. I thought I was pretty naughty but my friend scored a 38.8%. This is a girl that I've known since high school, I wouldn't say she copied me but after I told her about the first time I gave head, she went out and tried it to. And for the most part it went like that for our firsts. I guess I should talk to her more often because I'm wondering what she's done that I haven't.

I guess I didn't learn my lesson. I went out again last night, It's almost like I have a regular life. Went to a bar last night. Interesting time to say the least. Even got a couple of numbers. I don't think I met my future husband but I did meet some cools guys. Which is odd because I have a habit of meeting losers at bars.

I did have a little bit too much too drink last night but I wasn't hungover this morning. Just tired. Almost called Ryan last night when I was drunk. I was about to ask if he wanted to call over but luckily I was saved by the dead battery.

Went out to a club last night and I was a little too intoxicated to update when I got home. No gay guys, plenty of macho men last night. Had a lot of fun with my friends, not so much with the men. I danced some but there were a lot of meatheads and thugs. Not really my idea men. But the liqour was cheap. I think it was ladies night and there were plenty of guys that were willing to buy drinks. It helped that I was dressed like it was summer outside. Most of the time I don't like strangers buying me drinks, usually they expect something out of it. Tonight, after a few drinks I didn't care what they wanted.

I remember when I used to go out every day of the week. I wish I knew how I did that because getting up was really hard to do this morning and standing all day at work was really fun. Either way I'm doing it again tonight. Going out to bar with some friends but the good news is I don't have to wake up for work until noon.

I ran into the perfect guy today. He's cute, tall, dark and handsome. He knows how to dress, loves shopping, is caring and he doesn't have a girlfriend. Only problem he is gay. Went to one of my favorite stores in the mall after work and ran into him. I haven't seen him in a while, every time I've stopped by he wasn't working.

He was going on break and went along with me while I was shopping. For a moment today, I thought maybe him. I don't know for a fact that he's not bi. However, I quickly shot down that idea. If he was bi, the idea of him with another man would be a turn off. Plus, I already tried it before.

In high school one of my close friends was gay. We used to flirt a lot but of course he was gay. But even some of my boyfriends thought he was bi, it kind of bothered them when he would feel me up in front of them. But we were just playing around. And my parents thought he was bi too. At one point they banned him from our house after they caught him sleeping in my bed. It didn't help that we were naked. It was hot that night, I swear nothing happened. At least not that night. Of course the ban didn't stop him from sneaking in after they went to sleep. And it was while my parents were asleep, that we sit in the downstairs livingroom and watch tv, and talk to three in the morning. He would've been a great boyfriend if he wasn't guy, he loved to talk.

But he was gay. I remember that one night we were hanging out in my living when he told me about the first time he had given head. He told me it made him physically sick but said he couldn't wait to try it again. Pretty similar to my first time giving oral. We loved comparing stories after that. Talking about our lovers: who was great, who came quick etc... Then he started hinting that he wanted to try being with a girl. Just to see what it was like he said. I think many girls have a gay friend that they'd like to turn straight and here was my opportunity. He had already felt me up, seen me naked, slept with me in the nude. All he had to do now was put it in me.

It was about three a.m. when we bored and both horny with no other lover available. We were laying on the couch watching bad tv. He made the first move. Asked if I would give him head. It was weird leading him to my bedroom. I've lead other guys there for sex and he'd been in my bedroom hundreds of times before but this time it was different. We didn't kiss. And we didn't plan on going any further than oral. I was kind of hurt when he said guys gave better head but he wasn't a pro when he went down on me. He knew the oral wasn't really exciting me (another plus for him being a good boyfriend: he was a caring lover) and asked if he could. He wouldn't say the words until I said yes, you can fuck me. For it being his first time he wasn't half bad. He fucked hard and fast when I needed it.

I was his first. He had a lot of oral sex prior to that but never sex. He was my first and last gay lover. Our relationship kind of went down hill from there. It's true sex does ruin friendships. But I ran into him about two years later and he was still gay but glad he had the chance to experiment with the other team.

Just a quick update tonight to let everyone know I'm alive. I was supposed to go out with one of my friends that I haven't seen in six months, since she started dating her new boyfriend. We were going to meet for dinner, then go shopping, then hit a few bars like we used to do. Since, I'm writing this from my computer at home right now I'm going to assume she stood me up. She called but never really told me why she couldn't go out tonight, carefully avoiding the subject. I'm not mad, I just wish she would've told me earlier so I could've made other plans. Not like there was really anything else I had plans to do but that's besides the point.

I kind of feel like life is passing me by. I had the day but did nothing really productive. I had plans to do laundry, clean, run errands, shopping etc. I just slept, read and watch TV. Not bad things to do and I really needed the day of doing nothing except relaxing. But I feel like in general I'm not getting anything done. It feels like another week has gone by and I've done nothing.

I see people everywhere in relationships. I have friends getting married and even though that's not what I want right now...it is in the back of my mind. But something more than just a guy to talk to would be nice. Something more than some guy I meet in a bar, something more than a fling that last's a month.

I want a relationship but I want someone to have sex with. I may sound a little sure of myself but I know anytime I wanted to I could get laid. Finding someone to have sex with isn't the problem. Finding the right person is. I'm tired of just having sex to have sex. I'd like it to mean something. I know I'm asking for a lot but I've had meaningful sex with meaningful people. Am I asking too much?

I guess the my sex life is somehow a symbol of my life. I'm kind of wondering if I'm having a meaningful life or just going with the flow of things.

Thanks for everyone that wished I'd get well. I'm feeling almost 100 percent. In fact, I'm back to my normal horny self. I realized tonight...ok I didn't realize...I was just thinking about the fact that I haven't had sex since October. I'm starting to think I need a friendship with benefits. And Ryan came over tonight, how odd. Before you get your hopes up, my clothes are still on. We laid together on the couch while we watched a movie, he even wrapped his arms around me but that's as far as it went. But while we laid there I started debating whether to turn around and kiss him.

But I don't think it'll work for us. I already know he likes me more than I like him. And feelings usually ruin friend fuckships. However, usually it's my feelings that get in the way so I'm sure if we ever did do anything again somehow my feelings would ruin everything.

I didn't have much too write about today. I'm still sick and work dragged. But then I got a phone call a few minutes ago.

A few of the guys and girls that work in the store next to me were going out after work. I had joined them a few times before and had fun but I never really considered them friends. But one of the girls called me to ask where I was. A couple of them stopped by at work to invite me out. I said I would meet them there. I was feeling half way decent until it started to get close to closing time. Then my cold felt like it had never left. She wished that I felt better and said we'd have to go out another night when I was feeling better. I didn't think they'd even notice I wasn't there. I've had fun when I've gone out with them in the past but I felt like an outsider. They all work together in the same store and hang out together a lot outside of work.

I can't wait until I'm feeling 100 percent. There is a lot I have to catch up on.

No real update tonight. I'm feeling kind of out. A little bit of a head cold. I'll surive it somehow.

I'm kind of sick so just a quick update tonight. Found this earlier thought it was kind of funny.

My cell phone company is always comming up with new services that I don't need. It turns out I have to go to Australlia to the service I really need. A company there is now offering a service that prevents you from making drunk phone calls. Not that I've ever made them. Basically it allows you to block the numbers of people you'd normally make drunk phone calls to for the night. It's alot better than what I've been doing lately which is leaving my phone at home when I go out drinking.

If you want to read the whole article it's at http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=23727